This Is My New Reality.

I'm sitting here in a camp chair on my empty deck, smoking a cigarette (yep, I fell right off the bandwagon) and drinking V8 V-Fusion straight out of the bottle. It's a nice overcast evening, my beloved kiddos are in bed sawing logs, and I'm reflecting on my life as it is today.

In case you haven't heard, it's a lot different now.

I'm on the path to becoming a single woman again. I won't go into specifics; just know that it has been a long time coming. It sucks, I'm sad and mad and hurt and perplexed and tired and hopeful and optimistic (I got the salad bowl of emotions going these days), but I also know it's for the best. I've spent the last few weeks with my head in the sand, trying to figure out what happened and what to do next. I don't know that I've come even close to figuring anything out yet, but I'm making slow progress.

Shawn moved out a month ago. We have our house on the market and have had 5 showings in six weeks -- way better activity than I expected. We're splitting time with our kids 50/50; one week on, one week off. This is probably the most difficult thing I've done in my personal history. When the kids are gone, I miss them terribly. I mope around for an entire week, not knowing what the hell to do with myself because caring for them is literally all I have done for the last three years. When they're with me, I'm whole again -- but finding out how hard a job single parenting is. I feel like a half-time parent, which breaks my heart.

(Umm, neighbor with the fireworks? You just scared the bejesus out of me. Thank you very much.)

So it's been an adjustment, and will continue to be for a long, long time. Right now I'm not sure I'll ever get used to splitting time with my kids.

Beyond that, though, I'm feeling pretty good about what lies ahead of me. I have a lot of work to do paying off debt, healing, and reestablishing myself...but I'm not afraid. I'm excited to start moving ahead. The only thing holding me back is the house. Once it sells, watch out. :)

I also sometimes wonder if love will ever find me again, and what that would be like. I'm no spring chicken anymore. In fact, I find more and more white in my hair every day. I've been out of the game for so long that I might have forgotten how to play it. How many single guys my age are even out there? But then again, that kind of thinking is premature. I have a lot of healing to do first before I can even think of sharing myself with someone again.

So. This is my new reality. Like it or not, it's what I have to work with. I'm fortunate to have a wonderful support system; without my family and friends' love and support, I would not be able to get through this. I love you all more than I could ever tell you.