On Finding Balance

I honestly think that finding your true balance is the most difficult thing to do in life. There are so many things to juggle, and so few hours in a day. Things like work, home, family, friends, and so many other obligations. I've discovered that it is very easy for me to lose myself as I work to meet the needs and demands of those around me. I also think this is an age-old problem for women in general. Never really thought this would happen to me, but tonight I realized that it most certainly has.

Imagine a playground teeter-totter. A balanced life, where a girl can take care of others and take care of herself, would show a perfectly horizontal board. Not too much weight on either end...just a comfortable balance. In my mind, balance = contentment.

I realized this evening that I have zero balance in my life. The board on my personal teeter-totter is completely cattywampus - the "others" end is planted firmly in the ground, while the "self" end hovers beyond reach in the air. Without even realizing it, I've allowed myself to put the needs of my children, my husband, and my career ahead of my own well-being. What? When -- and how -- did this happen?

The last five years of my life have seen many, many major changes. Job change, marriage, house, Kid #1, another job change, hubby's entrepreneurial success, Kid #2 (due any minute)...it's enough to overwhelm anyone:

• After coming within a cat's whisker of being fired from a job I loved by a crazy, vindictive boss I hated, I spent seven months unemployed and looking for a job. I think I cried every single day during that time.
• Becoming a wife was a HUGE adjustment for me. I'd been single and living on my own for so long, it took me a long time to get used to and fully accept sharing my life and my home with someone else. I sometimes still struggle with it. But not like I used to.
• About a year after we married, and while I was pregnant with our son, we bought our first house together. A huge milestone, to be sure, but one that carries plenty of stress.
• Our son was born six months later. My most joyous and scariest personal moment. I had no idea how much having a baby would change my relationship with my husband...and really, my whole life. All needs except his became irrelevant the second I heard him cry for the first time.
• The second job change took me out of a long daily commute and office environment, and put me in a telecommuting environment, where I get to work from home every day. Overall a hell of a gig, but I rarely leave my house anymore.
• In the last year, my husband's business has utterly exploded. It's wonderful to see him succeed, but his work takes him away from us a lot. And he deals with more than his fair share of stress.
• And now, our daughter is due to join us any day. I'll be so glad to be done being pregnant, and just cannot wait to meet this little lady. But I'm also a teeny bit apprehensive, knowing that our lives are going to change again as we learn how to parent two children.

This is my life these days. Quite frankly, it's kind of a lonely life. I don't get out much, I don't see my friends much, I don't do much for myself anymore. I've lost my balance. I don't get many opportunities to be good to myself, and when they come up I find myself feeling guilty for doing what I need so badly. I really can't blame anybody but myself...I don't really seek those opportunities out anymore, either.

So. Sob story aside, I've decided that 2010 is the Year of Jen. I'll need to give myself some time to recoup and readjust after baby arrives...but come this spring, I'm going to start paying better attention to myself. I know now that I have to, in order to be a better wife and a better mother. I don't have to be a slave to my husband's schedule, my house, or my reluctance to ask for babysitting help. Some ideas that I plan to implement (and I'm always open to more ideas):

• Regular date night with my husband
• Reach out to and get together with my friends more often (I really miss you guys)
• Join the local MOPS group to meet more mothers of young children near me
• Re-register for ECFE classes with Price and baby
• Find a volunteer opportunity in my community
• Go to my brother-in-law's shows when his band performs
• Re-join the YMCA and sign up for a volleyball league
• Reduce my dependence on e-mail and Facebook, and pick up the damn phone more often
• Pay better attention to how I dress. Wearing PJ pants and T-shirts all day every day just isn't good for me.

It feels kind of good to have a plan. Now I can't wait to implement it. But, I suppose...first things first. OK, Baby...you can come anytime now. Mama's ready.