Dating. The (seemingly) endless game of trying to find that one special, perfect person who complements and completes you. Who provides companionship, support, love and affection. Who is your lover and your best friend. The one person you simply cannot live without.
Sounds fantastic, right? I mean, who doesn't want that, and who doesn't strive for that on some level throughout their lives? The drive to find your match seems to run underneath every daily activity. If you're single, you notice the good-lookers at the grocery store, at church, at the gym, in the car next to you at the stoplight, everywhere. The radar is always on.
I'll tell you what: my happily married friends should count their lucky stars. This dating thing is tough.
For one thing, the talent pool is very different from when I was in my 20s. Back then, it was rare to meet someone who had yet been married or had kids. Hardly anybody had any baggage. It was all about just getting together and having a good time. If there should be a spark, great! If there wasn't, it was really pretty easy to bounce back from a failure and try again. No harm, no foul.
Now, I am 36 years old. I have kids, I have a failed marriage under my belt, and I have lived enough life to know what's really important to me. I may have some trust issues, I'm rather protective of my space, and my kids absolutely come first. I most certainly am not the "Jen-on-the-town" I was a decade ago.
Turns out I'm not the only one who carries residual baggage that comes from life experience. The men do, too. And that, friends and neighbors, increases the dating difficulty factor by about a thousand percent. I know exactly what I want (and what I do not want), and finding someone who meets my stringent criteria has been...well, difficult.
I finally jumped back in the dating game a little over a year ago. I haven't been a serial dater by any stretch of the imagination; I am quite picky about who I meet. That's the beauty of online dating; a simple glance at a profile is all I need to know if someone is worth having a conversation with. Even then there's no guarantee. Thanks to online dating sites, in the past year or so I have dated:
- A freshly divorced single dad who was emotionally unavailable and so passionate about his sports and activities that he was busy literally every hour of every day.
- An emotional wreck of a man who was painfully insecure, needy, and clingy - and who, I discovered rather quickly, had a pretty serious alcohol problem.
- Another divorced single dad who seemed nice enough, but was literally unable to ever sit still or stop talking. Also not overly reliable or responsive. He just kinda fell off the radar.
- Yet another divorced single dad - except this one was different. He seemed to meet every single one of my criteria: smart, educated, employed, stable, the list goes on. I could not find one thing wrong with this one. Until he freaked out and ran away. We reconciled after several months, and all seemed to be going well...until he did it again. This one, while absolutely perfect in every other way, has some deep emotional issues. I can't help him with that, and I don't need that kind of hassle.
And I think I'm such a great judge of character.
Four nice enough guys, but every single one of them has plenty of baggage and emotional issues of his own. It's impossible to find that soulmate under these conditions. In fact, I'm becoming more and more convinced that he doesn't actually exist. Those romantic comedies are so full of shit.
While it would be nice to have companionship, I don't really need a man. My life is probably more peaceful without one. Heck...I can always start collecting cats.
Happily married friends, count your blessings. :)
